The "Inner-Child" is something you will find me writing a lot about in my blogs. I find that it's my inner playful child that makes the best artist and author when it comes to sharing about the Art of Self Love. She is pretty freakin' brilliant at it and she always wants to help other people's Inner-Children feel safe enough to talk and share or to come out and play. I believe that understanding who your Inner-Child is to you is a very helpful process when you are walking a path of Self-Love. My own introduction to my Inner-Child was kind of strange, yet life-altering. I have since turned it into an exercise that I often share with the people I read for when they are drowning in a whirlpool of regrettable choices and self-loathing.
At one point in my life I was a little wild. I liked to party and drink and I liked to get a lot of attention from men. It was a lifestyle that I think a lot of modern women find themselves dabbling in at least once in their life...usually after a break-up or when we feel the most confused about ourselves and most lonely and are hoping for an escape from our unfulfilling jobs or lack of real connection with a partner, friends, and family. I was in the midst of one of those challenging moments and I decided that I would just try and have as much fun as I could to keep my spirits up until I found a boyfriend to make me feel special and loveable.
One of the down-sides to this plan (I must admit there were many) was that my fun involved a lot of alcohol which would usually involve a lot of regrettable choices in regards to who's company I would keep and what kinds of things I would say and do while having all that fun I was determined to have. One morning I woke up feeling especially terrible about myself and what I could remember about the night before. I was also starting to panic because I realized that I was going to have to call in to work because I was way too hung-over and depressed feeling to interact with the world that day.
I was laying in bed on my side, hugging my pillow and calling myself stupid...stupid...stupid. I said things like, "You are such a desperate little slut...why did you make out with him...how are you going to pay your bills...you deserve to be fired for being so irresponsible...you didn't even look that good last night and you spent all that money on that outfit...you actually looked kinda fat and like you were trying too hard to be sexy..." and while this shame-based-smack-down was taking place inside my head, my eyes were wondering around my side table where I had a lamp and several framed pictures set up. Two of these images were of me when I was a baby and when I was 4 years old.
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So I was looking at these images of myself and I began to say out loud to them: "You are such a stupid slut...you should be fired...you are fat...you are an obnoxious drunk...no one is ever going to love you...you're not special...you are irresponsible" and I started to giggle uncomfortably and had to stop because this wave of guilt had come over me. It was different than other forms of guilt I had felt because it didn't involve offending, hurting, betraying, or annoying another person. It was pure guilt over being so mean and hateful towards those pictures...that baby and that girl version of myself.
Now at this point of my life, I had heard of the concept of an "Inner-Child" and how we all supposedly have one, but I just thought it was the part of ourselves that prefers to have fun rather than go to work. I also thought it was a little too sentimental of an idea for me and my sassy-n-fun girl ways. But in that moment of slinging mean thoughts at those pictures I could instantly feel the innocence and joy that radiated from them and I felt absolutely silly for saying such horrible and untrue things to them...I realized I would NEVER say anything so cruel to a child. I may have been in my 20's but that didn't make those children any less a part of me still and so I concluded that this must be what that whole "Inner-Child" thing was about.
I decided in that moment that I didn't want to feel ashamed and bad about myself so much. I knew I was going to have to stop doing the things I was doing if I wanted to truly be happier...and I'll be honest with you, it took me many years after that to truly awaken and grow into my potential. But I did decide that day that I would no longer say things to myself that would be abusive if I were to say it to a child. I wasn't going to verbally abuse my inner-child over something that my anxious and confused adult self did in a sad attempt to make herself feel better. It was my first solid step towards being more compassionate towards myself.
Compassion for yourself is so important for healing and growth. Sometimes it's hard to have compassion for ourselves when we feel like we have screwed up. If you feel like you are stuck in negative self-talk and the habit of punishing yourself with shaming thoughts and you want to stop, I suggest you try the following. Find 1-3 pictures of yourself from your early childhood. If you don't have any pictures of yourself then look through a magazine or go online and find pictures of kids that look like how you remember yourself looking as a child. Take these images and while looking at them begin saying out loud to them what you have been saying to yourself. Say it and really mean it. Mean it like you do when you say it to yourself. Look into their eyes and imagine how they would feel hearing your words. Would they feel hurt, betrayed, ashamed, afraid, or angry? That is how you make yourself feel with such statements.
I know for myself, I felt ridiculous and cruel for being so mean to those two cute and happy kids smiling back at me. I also felt protective and was beginning to realize that the light and confidence and joy that I could see in their faces must still live somewhere in me. I stopped speaking to myself in such a mean way, even when I did something I regretted and felt ashamed of. I would instead focus my attention on writing a poem, reading a self-help book, or vowing to not do it again. There have been times when I would catch myself in a negativity loop and I would bring out the pictures and say it to them for a little internal reality check...and then I would apologize and tell them that I love them. Everyone's reaction will be a little different depending on what messages you got about yourself as a child. I advise you to find pictures that connect you with positive memories about who you were at that time. Whatever your reaction to the exercise is, you will discover important information about who your Inner-Child is and how you are relating to your own innocence and light.
Be kind to yourself and thank you for reading :-)
Amanda
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